This is 50...

Sleepless nights-

I have no idea why.  It appears to be anxiety, could be hormonal, perhaps sleep apnea, definitely contributing to the increase in migraines.

Migraines-

Now for sure this isn’t 50 for everyone.  Because the fact is this was also 40-49 for me.  But definitely not headed in a downward trajectory.  This year has brought many trips to the dr. and a new relationship with a neurologist.

Uncertainty-

This is all God, and I don’t mind him honing off the rough edges here.  I definitely need to learn to go with the flow.  But truly never before in my life have I not been able to see what the foreseeable future was going to look like.  Not even a month out.  Cue migraine.  I’ve started meditating on scripture and practicing deep breathing techniques. And I’ve accepted that I’m not “easy going”.  (Doesn’t everyone think they’re “easy going”?)

Empty Nesting-

This is about the only thing I know for sure.  We’ll soon be a party of two.  It’s remarkable to me that we are already back to where we began.  That went so so fast.  And as I type this I am fighting back tears, and not well.  Why I’m fighting them back I don’t know except perhaps it will make my headache worse to let it rip.  It’s emotional but I’m not sad to be left alone with Mark.  He’s my best friend and I’m anxious to start new adventures with him.  

Soul searching-

And they say the millennials want fulfillment.  I find myself calling into the Ken Coleman show and glued to segments on “Today” about companies offering “returnships” to women in their 50’s.  I’m practically desperate to find what I’m “supposed” to do.  I’m over complicating this for sure, but let’s just say the biological clock has nothing on a woman in her 50’s who hasn’t yet figured out how to leave her mark on the world. And also...this is just me processing so I can’t be held to this thought tomorrow when the Lord reveals a better truth to me.

Beauty-

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more beautiful or more comfortable in my own skin.  Save for the nasty rosacea I battle which I don’t think I should have to deal with.  It messes everything up.  And oh this droopy chin and that one eyelid.  And I think I will take care of those things because I should feel good about all those things if I want to.  I also got a really cute tattoo of a coffee cup and some people think it’s dumb but you know what?  I did it with my daughter and it was special and I freaking love coffee and I am surprisingly unconcerned with the people who don’t like it.  But I have noticed that it’s more fun when they do.  Oh and I plan on getting my hair highlighted with some lilac highlights next week.  I think it’s going to be beautiful and if it’s not, it will fade.  Some people ask me if I’m going through a midlife crisis, but I don’t think so.  I think I’m just being brave.  And I’m not holding myself back from trying new things and being the sassy fun person I want to be.  The person I imagined all my life.  The person I’ve always thought I was but was buried in responsibility, worry, expectation, perfectionism and fear of not being good enough.  I preached identity but never experienced the freedom that comes from living without the harsh judgement that I placed on myself.  And conversely others.  

Growth-

Something this week happened that gave me a glimpse into how some people look at my family and our lives.  Very blessed, charmed, put together and have it all figured out.  We do feel very blessed.  All of our kids love the Lord and are serving Him in some capacity.  They’ve married people who love the Lord, we are financially comfortable.  Our kids like us.  We are close.  Mark and I have a great marriage.  But don’t be fooled.  There’s pain and heartache and depression and anxiety.  We disappoint each other, we screw up with our money, we have broken relationships in our extended families, and for Mark and I this has been one of the hardest years in our marriage and for sure the hardest for Mark in his career.  The temptation in all of these moments is to respond in our own flesh and act out of our own selfish desires.  I hope that the difference for us is that we are moment by moment surrendering it all to the one who holds us and promises victory.  

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” -Psalm 73:26