I knew I was a good mom when....

It's difficult to have this conversation with a young mom.  When I recall with a dreamy fondness the days when my greatest stress was trying to figure out how to go to the grocery store with a two year old and a newborn.  Fondly because it was also my greatest accomplishment.  I can't tell you the feeling of pride I had when I could tell my husband when he came home from work that day to a clean house (because the house afterall was quite tiny and the kids did afterall nap) that dinner was ready and the cupboards were full. 

We were quite a team back then, my husband and I.  He was so impressed with my "motherly" abilities.  And I adored him for the way he would chip in and help with the kids.  Together we got them bathed, fed, played with, kept them well groomed, had their pictures taken on regular schedules with complimenting outfits, had them to the zoo and the children's museum, had them baptized, took them to Sunday school, photographed and videotaped the momentous Christmas mornings of basketball hoops set up and waiting.  I threw elaborate birthday parties with family and friends that only "mother of the year" could accomplish.  It was all very well received.  Kudos from grown-ups, lovely mother's day celebrations made special by the doting husband and ever affectionate children who still wanted to snuggle with me on the couch after a bath.  All this coupled with the very satisfying comfort of a daily routine that is both manageable and met and you have the makings of a simple happy life.  Bedtime at 8:00, time for mom and dad to unwind and watch their favorite shows.  No homework to struggle with, no sports practices to run of to, no school play or science fair to attend.  Just home and my husband and my sleeping children. 

Fast forward through my 30's which apparently can bring a woman it's own set of hormonal challenges and into my children's teen years and things aren't as predictable and slightly messier.  The kids aren't fighting over a toy, they seem, at times to actually hate eachother.  The onslaught of activities is tiring, but the expenses are downright frightening.  After years of raising a strong willed child I feel weak and beaten down.  Every button has been pushed, every dollar has been spent, and somewhere in my mental fog, I have thrown in the towel.  Through bouts of depression, fatigue, and busyness long gone are the routine of chores and expectations.  Which means  that anytime anything does get done around the house I have to gear up for a battle.  And really the arguements and messy house are easily remedied.  They are small potatoes compared to the bigger issue of what is a mother to do when she can't seperate how she is doing as a mother with the decisions her growing children make.  It's a common mistake mother's make.  One I make daily.  Our children will make mistakes and yet I can't seem to not take that personally.  Why would they do that when I have so clearly instructed them otherwise?  And how do I quit worrying that my teenager who thinks his parents are idiots and who seems to really not like me  (I get that feeling when I go to hug him and he acts like I have a communicable skin disease), will not grow into an adult who will have just as much disdain for me? 

The worry may kill me.  Are they making good decisions when I'm not around?  Do they love the Lord?  Will they become successful adults?  What will our relationship be like when they are adults?  Especially with the one that it's contentious with now?  Do they know I love them?  They knew when they were little, but their needs are different now and I'm not sure I am doing it right or well the way I was sure when they were little.  It was easier when they were little.  I knew I was a good mom when they were little.